I can admit that over all of my years of life I have struggled with the feelings of being unloved and not cared about. Mostly, feeling unloved by family and not cared about by so-called friends and other people in my life.
My mom has never been one to say I love you besides in a card and rarely said it aloud to me. Never really did hugs and kisses except on special occasions and any closeness in public is usually accompanied by, "Stop! People are going to think we're gay."
Now, I understand that knowledge releases people from ignorance and produces understanding. So, I don't fault her for her insecurity about people's perception of her sexuality, but I do not condone it either.
With that said, I rarely receive a hug unless it is church or I hug my godsister or my girls I mentor. Sometimes I desperately need a hug, but I have no one at home to hug. My so-called friends forget to call, text, or email me and results in my reaching out to them. Rarely, am I asked how am I doing. Most of the time, I am doing the listening to other people about their problems and their situations. Only to find myself thinking, I know someone worse off than you and that they are the creator of their situation.
Often, I feel like the Black Sheep in my family. Criticized for my faults, yet admired for my education that now I am supposed to have all the answers.
I think my biggest struggle, no I know my biggest struggle with feeling unloved and not cared about is the lack of support in my pursuit of my dreams. I could ask for the smallest thing and either receive no assistance or very little. It hurt when my mom and I got into an argument last month where she called me selfish and told me that I basically had to walk alone. Told me, "It's not all about you." While she said it out of anger, I have used her judgment as one of inspiration to remain conscience and move forward with my life remembering those things.
What hurts the most now, is that as her fiance pursues his new dream, she is probably supporting him emotionally more in his pursuits than she ever did in mine. I love my mom and I know she loves me in her own way by providing for me and doing all. I am not ungrateful that she put me through college and supplied all of my necessities by the grace of God. I just wish I had more hugs, more kisses, more I love you's, and that her as well as my family and friends were more invested in who I am as a person, my dreams, and my life goals and growth.
Some people will participate in my life and others will watch from the sidelines. It hurts that people who are not my blood relatives are eager to participate and my family/friends doubt me and rather watch. The pain I will learn to cope with, but the memories will sting forever.
It will not define me though. The story of my life is on and one day it will be the show they wish they starred in rather than being a guest star. One day, I will matter. I just hope it's not too late.
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